Al Bundy Quotes

I hate my life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury my wife in the backyard.

• I begged for the death-penalty but they insisted that I'd learn a lesson.
• Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it laughed at me.
• It's not everyday an uncle dies and the coroner forgets to lock his house.
• I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I got married.
• Gee, none of my family was of any help to me, how unusual.
• I'd invite you in but instead I think I'll just beat the crap out of you.
• I deserve to be punished, I married your mother.
• Threats don't work on me... I've already been to hell.
• I want boobies.
• I truly, truly want to die!
• If I could just help one kid not marry, my job is done.
• I've got a woman so lame that she actually thinks that when I groan during sex it has anything to do with her.
• We were going through the woods without suspecting anything when suddenly something big and cruel came out of a bush. I thought it was you Peg but it didn't want my wallet!
• Home, work, can a man have too much fun?
• Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back.
• Pretty women make us buy beer, ugly women make us drink beer!
• It's not everyday an uncle dies and the coroner forgets to lock his house.
• Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends?
• You pudding of a woman!
• Oh, if only a man could have two wives.
• Oh, look at the starving children. Woah man, now we're having fun!
• That 8-track is to today's stereos like what a girlfriend is to a wife: an earlier, better version.
• Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for.
• Hooters, hooters, yum, yum, yum. Hooters, hooters on a girl that's dumb.
• Just say no to marriage.
• The opera isn't over until the last heterosexual falls asleep.
• I'm gonna give this to the only one I truly love... me!
• Let me tell you something about sharing: don't do it. Nothing good ever comes of sharing. Your mother and I shared a bed and nothing good came out of it.
• Only one woman, too much time.
• I blame it on TV myself.
• Milwaukee. That's the town they build around you mother, isn't it, Peg?
• Dead men don't wake up yelling 'don't'.
• It's showbusiness. You don't need talent or brain.
• I've lived and I've loved... later on I even married.
• Oh. life is good! But not for me...
• Today is the first day of the end of your life.
• There's two things that the Bundy's don't do. We don't eat vegatables and we don't tap.
• You've desecrated the toilet I call home!
• Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me.
• I left high-school, lost the will to live and here I am...
• I don't know what we're put on this planet to do but we're here damn it!
• You know Peg, I hate it when your mother weebles down here for her little midnight snacks which last until... nine in the morning.
• Please, Peg, if you have any feelings for me, don't make me make love to you.
• Anything that's good enough for the cockroach is good enough for my family.
• Something sinister's going on so I know a woman's behind it.
• This is a sex free house and by God it will be for the rest of my life.
• Where bucks are enough to see their stuff, at the nudie bar!
• That's what being a man is like : making mistakes and not caring.
• Remember when I said that when we didn't have much that we could always look at the poor people less fortunate then us and feel better? Well... let's find a mirror.
• This wouldn't be a bad job if people didn't come in here.
• Hey, you may notice that my house is tilting to one side. That's because Peggy's relatives are over there visiting. Six of them. Twelve if you count her mother.
• Where you see a thigh and blackend an eye, at the nudie bar!
• The best beer is the one that makes you forget about your wife! And usually is served in nudie bar... what a coincidence.
• Six bucks is too much money to spend on any woman.
• There's only one dead guy in this mall and you're looking at him.
• Marcy, haven't you ever got up in the morning and realize something was missing? Of course you do, you must when you open your pajama top.
• In order for a house to be a home, only one can make the rules.
• Peg, you know I warned you before about touching me.
• Four weddings and a funeral, where's the difference?
• Synchronized swimming for women is not a sport. Mud wrestling for women is a sport.
• Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.
• A fat woman walked into the shoe store today. She was so fat, she had three smaller women orbiting around her.
• Computers and women are ruining the country.
• Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.
• How would I know, I never look at you!
• Life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head.
• If dynamite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me.
• I was driving home... God knows why?
• Marcy, the part with the cups goes in front.
• I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry?
• Where you see a breast and caved in a chest, at the nudie bar!
• Let me explain. It's just like an elevator. There's a 2 ton weight limit on those shoes...
• Lousy, red-headed, life-sucking moskito!
• I'm the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare.
• Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back.
• These are sevens. The box says nine because well... lady, you're a nine. Now I can accept that. Why can't you?
• It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking waste of time.
• Love is not only blind but stupid.
• Am I truly nothing? Could the neighborhood children be right?
• Women... can't live with them... the end.
• Except for the day before the day I met you, this is the happiest day of my life.
• I'm gonna find a real man. One who likes girls and hates women.
• Peg, I do like sex. It's sex with you I don't like!
• Don't put on a dress and ask us if it makes you look fat, we hate that. Besides it's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat that makes you look fat.
• Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell?
• We all have to live with our disappointments... I have to sleep with mine.
• Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes when we're having sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get a second job.
• You know medium, the sizes between small and you!
• I'm a living example of how the brain really doesn't need blood to work.
• Give me beer or give me death!
• That was a great year for America. Ike was in the White House, women were in the kitchen, and guys like you were in the closet.
• Stand back pumpkin. He's just about to pop and I don't want teeth and eyes all over you.
• This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids and I'll see you in a week.
• White crosses, sunlight... nothing works on you anymore does it?
• I should get a job on the bomb squad... then there will be hope.
• You know I never danced unless it was gonna get some sex for me.
• You're my wife. I will not talk to you while I have a TV.
• If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.
• She's got you shaking like a frenchman in a thunderstorm.
• I don't want more people in this house. I want less. I want my life back, dammit. I want my youth. I want my hair. I want... this room. It's really nice... Are you thinking of moving out, son?
• What was I thinking when I said "I do"? I'd already had sex with her; I didn't need that again.
• I work in a shoe store, I make less than minimum wage, and yet I'm not happy to be home.
• Let's rock.
• We're closed and, much like my life, the day is over.
• I love you, Peg... Just kidding!
• This cheese means more to me than both your lives.
• So you think I’m a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn’t respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean ‘loser’ to you, but let me tell you something: Every morning when I wake up, I know it’s not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I’ll never play football like I thought I would, I’ll never know the touch of a beautiful woman, and I’ll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I’m not a loser. ‘Cause despite it all, me and every other guy who’ll never be what he wanted to be are still out there, being what we don’t wanna be, forty hours a week—for life. And the fact that I haven’t put a gun to my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!
• They need us just as much as we need them. Why? Because we can do the job and you can't take a battery home to meet your mother.
• I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet.
• Now son, look here, these redwood-trees they're over a thousand years old. I'm gonna cut me one of these down and use for a base for my satellite dish.
• I'm jealous of everyone not married to you.
• I hate those tests. They are designed to bury men.
• Run like Mexican water through a first-time tourist.
• I scored 4 touchdowns in one game!
• Where the beer gives you gas and the Bundys kick ass... At the Nudie Bar.
• ...and no-one understands why I scream on the way home...
• I'm Maharaja Bundy and women with 4 hooters feed me Ding Dongs all day
• Hey, Marcy, what's holding the towel up?
• I never wanted to get married, I got married. Never wanted kids, I have 2 of them. Why the hell am I here?
• Standing here with my loving family, I wonder why I'm running from the axe.
• I'm going back to Chicago; where I only die a little every day.
• Oh, Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex.
• Envy me. That's my wife. Those are my kids and I sell womens' shoes.
• It must be your mother. Tell her I said 'oink'.
• A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.
• Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border?
• I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I got married.
• If you want something fixed right, get an ugly guy to do it.
• I'd invite you in but instead I think I'll just beat the crap out of you.
• I'm married with children.
• Strike!!
• I married you 'til death do us part. So when I'm dead, I'm free to date.
• If God had wanted women to play ball, he would've made them men.
• Guys may come and guys may go, but daddy's always daddy... well, at least until he jumps a freight train.
• I'm married to a woman named................something.
• Sorry, Peg, I didn't hear you. I was thinking of killing myself.
• I can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed!

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